Inhale and Exhale

I started this blog in hopes that I can share my thoughts, dreams, inspirations, hardships, frustrations, joys, and laughter with whoever decides to take time out of their day to read what is on my mind. It is indeed therapeutic for me. Not only does writing help let out emotions, it is an eloquent art that most people do not take advantage of in the slightest. Our society has strayed away from writing our thoughts and feelings due to people thinking negatively about them or for fear of being reprimanded by friends and family. However, writing…for me…is the best type of therapy. It allows me to express myself and become who I truly am. You will be able to see the real me, be able to read the real me, and to be able to critique the real me. Leaving off at that, take your time to understand life through a twenty-something. 

Taking the first step has always been the hardest for me.

…the first step in trying out for my high school field hockey team
…the first step in quitting my high school field hockey team to pursue the passion for running
…the first step in figuring out what I want to major in during college (It was English!)
…the first step in understanding that I would not get an A on every paper I turned in
…the first step in acknowledging that I have an issue with commitment
…the first step in beginning a new job
…and even the first step in starting a blog.

The first step is the hardest to conquer. It is inevitable that I will take one step forward and two steps back the first few attempts. But what is the fun in always getting it right the first time? Why are we so worried about always being perfect or correct the first time…

For example, five years ago I was a senior and captain for my track team in high school. I was a distance runner, and when I say distance runner I mean that I liked distance. The mile was too short for me. I liked to look at it as a warm up. My coaches decided to put me on the 4x8 team. (That is when 4 team members each run 800m. It's a relay race.) I about had a fit. I hated running the mile, because I didn't think I was fast enough..and I wasn't. I was barely placing 3rd with my 6:27 mile. But being the captain of the team, I didn't want to let my coaches or teammates down. I kindly and boldly accepted and practiced my ass off. I needed to be the best I could be for my teammates. The first race rolled around and I was the third leg. Huddling together in our group, I told my teammates that we could do this and that with God's grace, we would win the race. We bowed our heads, said a prayer, and the race began. I was the third leg which meant that we would either have the lead or be behind by the time I was passed the baton. Of course we were in the lead. No pressure or anything, Tricia. I grabbed the baton and I was off. 'Do I go fast or do I start off slow? If I start off slow, the other teams will catch up to me. Uh, what if I trip? What if I drop the baton? Yes, I hear you yelling at me to slow down. God, does Ben ever look hot today. …Focus, Tricia.' …so many things were flying through my head. I couldn't concentrate. I just knew that I couldn't get us behind. Going into my second lap, I was dead. I ran way too quickly my first lap (just like the coach was yelling) and I literally thought my legs were going to collapse. I was jello. That whole mind over matter talk is bullshit too. No matter how hard I wanted to run, I couldn't go any faster than my little jello legs would let me. Seeing the home stretch, I watched my teammate prancing, getting ready to take over. All I had to do was finish the last 50 meters. Passing the baton over Katie, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, the other team was passing their baton over too. I had failed. I had lost our 75 meter lead. I was failure. I walked onto the grass where my coach patted me on the back and said, "Good job, Miller." I just looked up at him and started crying. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be perfect. I was so worried about being perfect my first time, my first race, my first step. When it all was over, we ended up winning, but I still felt terrible about letting my team down. But really, it was all in my head. They did not care that I lost the lead for a little bit, they only cared about the team as a whole. We won. We did it. We took the first step.

So maybe that is what I am trying to get at during this blog. Maybe it's not about taking the first step by myself. Maybe it's something bigger. Something much bigger than I am. I need to learn how to let people into my life and having them take the first steps with me…Not for me, not against me but with me.

I just need to take that step onto the roller coaster ride of life and enjoy it with the ones who decide to climb onto that crazy, whirlwind of a ride with me.

I just need to inhale and exhale. Breathe and Live.